So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye

This shall be short and painless.

In the words of my high school class @ graduation...

"This is not the beginning of an end but the end of a beginning"

thanks for having me :)

And you know what, life's best stories are best told by others, listened to by oneself and treasured by the heart...

Women, the other species

God knows that I love my girlfriends very very dearly, they are my best friends, companions, people I’ve shared tears and laughter with but it’s days like today that they, to be put crudely, fucking piss me off. I just have to get this off my chest before I go to sleep tonight, otherwise I think I’ll go insane.

Here are the reasons for my annoyance tonight:
- Do not egg me on to do something (“‘drew you should get your hair coloured”) and then tell me afterwards advice to go about doing it (“you know people with really short hair shouldn’t get highlights”)
What’s the point of giving me advice after I’ve already done the damage, a little bit smarter pls.
- Don’t set about hurting my emotions by giving me a lecture on how sarcastic I am and then pretend that it never happened afterwards and blame it all on “that time of the month”.
I am not here for your pleasure to fuck around with, if you say something, mean it. Don’t blame it on something else. I was on the edge of tears tonight thinking I would have a huge fight with someone I truly cared about. I’m sorry I said some things I shouldn’t have, you don’t have to lecture me on it, it was just a joke. I hate being sent on guilt trips.
- Don’t call me up at midnight telling me that you have locked yourself out of your apartment and forgotten your keys and expect to be taken in. Then when you are offered a place to stay for the night leave in the middle of it without telling me.
It’s fine if you need a place to stay, I can make room for you. Don’t go and wake up my grouchy flatmate and don’t leave without telling me. I don’t care if it’s four fucking o’clock in the morning have a little courtesy to tell me you're going, I’m responsible for your safety the moment you step through my door. I don’t care how “strong” a woman you are, if you were that smart, you would not have forgotten your keys in the first place.
- Don’t make jokes about me having a crush on another guy knowing damn well that’s he’s straight and I’m gay (even if you didn’t know I was gay you still shouldn’t do it)
Why? Because it makes both me and him uncomfortable. Straight guys don’t like being the object of affection by gay guys. I love the gossip and attention but not at another person’s expense. For those girls who don’t know I’m gay, but most probably can tell anyway, it makes me weird because I still have to face this guy and then I have to put on the whole macho straight act just to give him the vibe that I’m not into him, even though he may be totally cute. (I know confusing, but I hope you get my drift)
- Don’t go around the block telling totally new strangers that are about to meet me that I’m feminine and act like a girl.
I’m not sleazy and I don’t pick up guys by being feministic (in fact, even most gay guys don’t like the whole limp-wristed fag act). If they like to think I’m girly and gay, so be it, let THEM decide. You don’t even know if I’m gay, don’t spread rumours about me. When I help you pick out make-up, don’t comment on how girly I am, just be grateful that you have someone who knows more than you to help you out.
- I’m sick of the whole mood swings thing, the whole “I’ll be nice to you when I feel like it” situation and the “I have a large group of girls with me rendering you the minority and therefore I can make sexist comments about how “anything boys can do girls can do better” and “I fully agree that we disagree and that even though your way may be quicker or more efficient, I’ll just stick to my own ways” act”.
This all occurred on my three day stay over at my friends place. It was an extended version of a slumber party consisting of 8 girls, me and occasional star appearances by this other straight guy. All the bitching, gossiping, drama, small talk, back stabbing, off handed comments, in-jokes, sexist remarks, gay/homoerotic jokes got really really emotionally draining. I was well and truly glad to get out of there by the end. Sure I had a blast and it was really fun hanging out with this bunch of girls but at the end of the day, I realised that I really don’t belong in that small social circle and often felt like an outcast trying to fit in. Seriously, they shouldn’t have gone to all that effort to make it harder for me as it already is.

I don’t care whether you treat me as “ji mui” (sisters) or “hing dai” (brothers) as long as you don’t make life harder for me as it already is. I’m juggling a lot of things in my life, I have uni, I have work, I’m trying to shape myself up by going to the gym and watching what I eat, I’m coming to terms with liking guys and I’m enjoying the whole hanging out with good friends scene. Don’t add to my already burdened plate. I know there are girls out there who don’t act this way and even the people above don’t usually act this way but when you do it really really ticks me off. It is time like these where Jack (from Will & Grace’s) quote: “Women, can’t live with them, end of sentence” rings SO true and I am SO glad that I’m gay.

Reflections

“Forgive me Reverend Mother, for I have sinned.” Yes, I have violated section one, rule number 478 “thou shall blog when you have an Internet connection set up so people won’t think that you have disappeared.” So, just a quick summary of life:
- I’ve moved out to my Jac’s place. Things are going really well and it’s SO much better than my old place
- I have a new job doing banqueting. We specialise in weddings, LOTS of weddings. I just did an Indian one last night, very interesting.
- Uni is good, friends are good and my crush is over, no new target just yet.

I guess there is something special I want to mention. I started this blog a year ago as a place to write out my thoughts and frustrations, and it has become a place of inflection for me, to study my emotional side. I can read what I felt, what was happening in my life and the thought processes I went through. Well, I guess some things go full circle. My blog is a little bit over one year old now and I started it when my close friend from Hong Kong came out to me. I wanted to explore my sexuality further and so I started putting down my thoughts on this topic were. My friend has come to Sydney this year and in return after a year of keeping it from him, I came out to him. I guess a lot has happened during this year, things that have altered me in some way. As a lover of dot points, here are some things summarised:
- I now realise how big this whole “being gay” thing is impacting on my life. As I grow older and see people start pairing up and start wanting someone of my own, this is proving to be a challenge. The way the gay scene is structured these days it caters more for young, good looking guys out for a good time, rather than commitment-centric, fat blobs like me. :P.
- Had my first ever full on crush and realised that it is hard to like someone and not being able to tell them exactly how much you care for them
- Held my first full time job and experienced the joys of having cash...with no where to spend it on.
- I now consider myself a more-than-semi-independent adult. I make my own decisions and live life my own way.
- As I get older, I realise that its hard to make friends and to keep them. The people you know now are not as sweet and simple as they used to be.
- Not meaning to be self-loathing (but I am), I wouldn’t date myself, that means that I’m going to have to change...fast!

I guess I still have a lot of thinking to do throughout this year, and hopefully, it’ll be a good one.
__________

Island Story:

On the island, I worked around the pool, pushing drinks and keeping the guests well-hydrated and comfortable. It was often tough work as the sun was scorching and I would be sweating like mad. Occasionally, staff would receive copies of Guest Comment Cards (GCCs) if they were mentioned by the guest as providing exceptionally good or bad service. I got a GCC where a lady commented on how hard I worked despite her grievances with other areas of the resort. It took me a while to remember who it was (the guest’s name is on the card) but I finally remembered. I guess she mistook me for “regularly checking up on her gorgeous and hunky husband” as “working very hard”, woops.

Back, Browned and Broken

I'm back from my little working holiday...after being stranded on a tropical island with an Internet connection slower than dial-up, I'm glad I'm back in the big bad city. The experience could be said as a rite of passage, a once in a lifetime experience that I won't ever forget. I have done things that I'd never done before in my life (and before your trail of thought wonders off, no I haven't found myself a boyfriend and nothing raunchy has happened either). Let's just say I have never gotten as drunk, partied as hard and thrown myself at people turning them from strangers to close friends faster than you could bat an eyelid.

I think I'll skip the technical details of my job up there for now except that I worked on the under the sun, around the pool and on the beach day in day out and have come back ten shades darker. I have never served so many drinks and run as many meals in my life before. Suffice to say that I have enjoyed my time up there despite the hard work and I promise I'll let put more stories up as time goes by.

Something interesting did happen yesterday though. The guy that I wrote about having a crush on before...well, he's going to stay over at my place for the next week or so because he's volunteering for the university's orientation week which goes from early morning to late at night . Seeing as though he lives quite far away, I offered to let him stay at my place as I live just 2 minutes away from uni. Well, the first thing I found out is that he got a girlfriend... :( Just when I thought that something might happen between us, he proves himself that he is straight and off limits...so much for dreaming. It also works out that his new girlfriend is starting the exact same course as me and seeing as though I'm a mentor for first years...I can already see them tagging me along on their dates. No offence to all those couples out there but I am really getting sick of going out with couples. I just spent the last 2 months on an island where the two friends (Shelly & Ken) who went up with me decided to start going out. The feelings of isolation, being the "light bulb" and the third wheel are really unpleasant and something which I can't endure for very long. It's already hard enough being sprung into the mating season (which for uni is semester 2 and the recent Valentine's Day) where everyone finds someone and you don't without being constantly reminded that you are single and envy the things that couples do. The kissing, the hugging, the baby talk when made to watch is bittersweet. I feel happy that they got together and hope that they'll have a great time in each other's lives, but at the same time, please leave me out of it. Seeing as though Shelly knows I'm gay, I have already sworn that if I find a boyfriend, I will strap her to a chair and force her to watch us make out. :P Hopefully that will happen sometime soon, fingers crossed!

That's all for me now, I'll try and post more regularly...but you know me and my empty promises... Cheers!

Paging Dr. Love, Paging Dr. Love

First of all, let's just go through some things. This was at first intended to be another rant/bitch session about my flatmate, but I decided that it would be too depressing having you guys read about it again. Instead I will just leave you with this: He decided that he would, off the top of his head, let his friend stay over in our flat for the next 2 months without:
a) Ever consulting me about it
b) Telling me about it until I picked up the courage to interrogate him about it.
I am getting REALLY fed up, I feel like I don't live in this house anymore.

Secondly, I still haven't finished my exams, I have one last one to go next Wednesday and then that's it, finito!

Thirdly, I've just confirmed that I'm going to an island resort on the Great Barrier Reef for 2 months starting on the 28th of November for work experience. I'm not sure if I'll still be ale to blog there but we'll see. I promise pretty pictures (if the weather permits and my camera doesn't stuff up) and any adventures I have there, wish me luck!

Now let's get into the good stuff. I realised that I am the relationship consultant for many of my friends. Somehow I have a "Relationship advice? I'm Here!" stamped on my forehead because people love to bring their problems to me. In particular girls and stories about their boyfriends, and you wonder why I'm gay... Yet these people are much attuned to the fact that I myself have never been in a relationship before in my life and so can be hardly considered a guru on the subject. The only thing I can do is project the most ideal prince-charming-sweeping-you-off-the-floor types of advice because all the tips I give are based on my own fantasies of romance and finding the perfect person. Perhaps that's what they like to hear and that's why they keep coming back for more doses of ideal love situations.

Yet on the other hand, I know that relationships aren't perfect and that they will never turn out what I dream like they will be but yet I still go red imagining myself falling in love with someone. To this day, I still want to know what a kiss feels like, does it leave a tingle or a sharp jolt? What does it taste like? How different is kissing passionately or lightly? I want to be held for once, to feel myself falling into another person's arms. To feel secure and actually be wanted and appreciated once in my life. Yet I feel like I'm sitting in the waiting room of a sterile clinic, fidgeting with anxiety and impatience, waiting for my own turn for a consultation with Dr. Love.